I’m in student accommodation and all I could hear from outside my window the other night was:
man 1: ‘ey lad u wanna come fer a drink lad?’
man 2: ‘on yer ma yer’
man 1: ‘oh yeah lad we got some whisky and some vodka lad ay lad’
man 2: ‘is ur ma fit?’
man 1: ‘ay lad wanna see me dick’
Riding on his bike approaching my house, my friend wobbled a bit and very nearly fell off it. As he did a car slows down and as it’s going past a lad sticks his head out the window and shouts.
‘AHHHH LAD - YOU NEARLY FELL OFF YA BIKE!’
So literal!
A group of teenagers walking the street on a Friday night, conversation between one lad and girl goes;
‘Eh Kelly, you pissed?’
‘Yeah’
‘Giz a shuffle!’
‘NO!’
‘Ah you’re borin’ you!’
Who says romance is dead?!!
A girl asks her mate within minutes of walking into the club;
‘Why are all these wierdos walking round with eyes on their foreheads?’
Her mate replies;
‘Everyone got one on the way in, it’s to do with the theme of the night’
‘Where’s mine then?’
‘It’s on yer ‘ead!’
One smackhead says to the other…
“I said to him, EH! DICKHEAD! TOUCH HER AGAIN AND I’LL SLIT YOUR F***ING THROAT!”
The look on the faces of the American tourists standing nearby was PRICELESS.
The worst and funniest thing I have ever heard…
Full on scally smoking a spliff by the fiveways, a pretty looking girl walks past and he whistles. She ignores him, so he says ”Hey girl.” She replies ”What?” He says……..”Get ya rat out ya little slut.”
LOL
The serenity of a sunny Friday afternoon in work is shattered by a screeching alarm. The whole office stops, trying to figure out what kind of car could possibly be making that sound (turns out it was a Securicor van shouting for someone to call the police, which was wholly ignored as the office workers lining the street chose to hang out the windows and gawp) and someone goes, just as the office falls silent:
“What the hell is that? It sounds like a seagull being raped.”
On me break in ASDA, 2 managers approach the vending machine…
Manager1. ‘What are you having?’
Manager2. ‘Dunno, have they got any low-fat crisps?’
Manager1. ‘No.’
Manager2. I’ll have a Turkish Delight then.’
